1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this mornin'."

2. " I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick somethin' nasty in the next line, like
" I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find somethin' that rhymes ... sort of:
"Got a good woman - with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like MargaretThatcher an' she weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch; ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an' state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means bein' old enough to get the 'lectric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression. Chicago, St. Louis, an' Kansas City still the best places to have the Blues. You can't have the Blues any place that don't get no rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breakin' your leg 'cuz you skiin' is not the Blues. Breakin' your leg cuz an alligator be chompin' on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shoppin' mall. The lightin' is wrong. Go outside to the parkin' lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues:

a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass

Bad places:

a. Ashrams
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses

11. No one believe it's the Blues if you wearin' a suit, 'less you happen to be a old ethnic person and you slept in it.

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?

Yes, if:

a. you're older than dirt
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied

No, if:

a. you have all your teeth
b. you was once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived.
d. you have a retirement plan or trust fund.

13. Blues ain't a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the Blues.

14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it's the Blues.

Other acceptable Blues beverages is:

a. wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. black coffee

The following is NOT Blues beverages:

a. mixed drinks
b. kosher wine
c. Snapple
d. sparkling water

15. If it happens in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the 'lectric chair, substance abuse, and dyin' lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have no Blues death if you die durin' a tennis match or gettin' liposuction.

16. Some Blues names for women:

a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling

17. Some Blues names for men:

a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie

18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, Auburn, and Rainbow can't sing no Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

19. Make your own Blues name (starter kit):

a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) an' name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi,etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)

For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")

20. I don't care how tragic your life is: you own a computer, you cannot sing the Blues. You best destroy it. Fire, a spilled bottle of Mad Dog, or get out a shotgun. Maybe your big woman just done sat on it....I don't care.